Grief: Understanding Six Needs of the Grieving

I was recently invited to watch a video for professional helpers presented by David Kessler, renowned grief expert and author of 7 books about the grief experience. In the video, Kessler discussed the nature of grief from the perspective of the grieving person, including some of the common difficulties the grieving face. He also explained six essential needs grieving people have that he has identified after working with them for many years.

The Difficulties of Living with Grief

One of the greatest difficulties in grief, Kessler says, is how misunderstood it is. Grief changes everything. It alters how we see the world, how we relate to others, and even how we experience time. In our society today we often don’t give people enough room to grieve. We expect people to “move on,” yet grief doesn’t follow a schedule. Also, many people in mourning feel pressure to appear strong, to “get back to normal,” or to grieve in a certain expected or acceptable way. The grieving are struggling to make sense of a world that no longer feels safe or familiar. And everyone’s experience of grief is as unique as they are individuals.

Another painful difficulty for the grieving is isolation. After a loss, friends often don’t know what to say. They may pull away, or try to fix the pain with well-intentioned phrases like “everything happens for a reason,” or “at least they didn’t suffer.” Well-meaning words like “they’re in a better place” are not helpful and can make a grieving person feel even more alone. Kessler emphasizes that the grieving person doesn’t need advice or solutions, they need presence. Simply being present, sitting beside someone in their sorrow, is one of the most healing gifts we can give.

The Six Essential Needs of the Grieving

To help us better understand grief and how the healing process unfolds, Kessler outlines six essential needs that every grieving person has. These are not steps to complete, but needs that allow pain to soften over time.

1. The Need to Have Their Pain Witnessed
   People who are grieving need their pain to be seen in the eyes of another. They need someone to acknowledge the depth of their loss without judgment or attempts to make it smaller. Being witnessed allows them to begin healing in the safety of understanding. It is connection and love that heals.
2. The Need to Express Their Feelings
   Grief brings many emotions: sadness, anger, bitterness, guilt, numbness. All of them are natural and need to be expressed, not buried. Crying, talking, or simply being quiet are all valid.

3. The Need to Release the Burden of Guilt
   Guilt often accompanies grief. Many grievers feel guilty about what they said or didn’t say, did or didn’t do. Healing involves forgiving ourselves and recognizing that love, not perfection, defines our relationships. Releasing guilt is part of allowing that love to endure.
4. The Need to Be Free of Old Wounds

Life challenges or past trauma that has not been worked through often shows up during the stressful time of grief. These can be addressed at this time.

• The Need to Integrate the Pain and the Love

Traumatic wounds are transformed into cherished wounds. For example, visiting the last place you interacted with a lost loved one no longer provokes unbearable pain; it becomes a welcomed reminder of love and remembrance.

6. The Need to Find Meaning After Loss
   Meaning doesn’t erase pain, but it gives it purpose. It allows us to carry love forward and to see that even in sorrow, hope can quietly return.

Moving Forward Together

According to Kessler, “People in grief don’t need fixing because they’re not broken.” Grief is not something we “get over,” but something we learn to live with. When we honor these six needs we help transform grief from something that isolates into something that connects. Healing, he reminds us, isn’t about forgetting, it’s about remembering with love and moving forward with meaning.

David Kessler’s wisdom and compassion for those who support people in grief and for those who have experienced their own loss is remarkable. His insights are accessible to you on his website, grief.com, and in his many books, the most recent of which is Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief.

To learn more about grief or to speak with a professional counselor about any mental health concern, please contact Olive Branch Counseling Associates, Inc. at 708-633-8000. We are located at 6819 167^th St. in Tinley Park, IL 60477, offering in-person and telehealth appointments. We are here to be of service to you.

Molly V.

Graduate Intern, 2025

Olive Branch Counseling Associates, Inc.