The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People Blog Series: Habit Five- Seek First to Understand then to be Understood

Habit Five: Seek First to Understand then to be Understood is the foundation of healthy, lasting relationships. If you truly want to connect with others, habit five is where it begins. But how do we practice this habit in real life? According to Stephen Covey, most of us rush into conversations eager to respond, fix, or offer advice. We listen with the intent to reply and not to understand. What is missing is true empathy.

To seek first to understand means giving the other person your full attention without judgement, without interruption, and without inserting your own perspective too soon. It means offering them what Covey calls psychological air the space to express themselves fully. When we listen with empathy, we step into their shoes and create the kind of connection that leads to real understanding.

Listening to understand and then be understood sounds simple, but it takes time and awareness to shift how we listen to others. Covey mentions four levels of “listening” that are common. The first level is ignoring the other person. On this level, the other person is talking, and you might be distracted and thinking about something else. The second level is pretending. Here you respond to the other person with “yeah” or “right” but you are not actually engaged in the conversation. The third level is selective listening, which is listening to only parts of the conversation and tuning out the rest. The fourth level is attentive listening, which is better than the first three because you are actually listening. But what attentive listening is missing is empathy. Empathic listening is the core of listening to understand. Empathic listening creates emotional safety by making the other person feel heard and understood. When you listen without judgement, you open yourself up to truly appreciating the other person’s perspective, even if it is different from your own. This deepens your understanding and strengthens connection. When someone feels understood and valued, they will trust you more deeply.

If you would like to improve your communication skills and strengthen your interpersonal relationships, reach out to a team of professionals at Olive Branch Counseling Associates, Inc. (708)-633-8000. We are located at: 6819-167 th St. in Tinley Park, Illinois 60477.

Mariana Rodriguez Graduate Intern, 2025.

Reference:

Covey, S. R. (2013). The 7 habits of highly effective people: Powerful lessons in personal change (25th anniversary ed.). Simon & Schuster