When family or friends open up, most of us rush to fix, advise, or share a similar story. This can be useful, but what helps most is active listening – giving full, empathic attention so the other person feels genuinely heard. Using active listening also strengthens relationships and, surprisingly, benefits the listener! Below are some basic techniques.
Simple Active Listening Techniques
- Make space, then signal attention. Put the phone down, face them, and maintain soft eye contact. Brief utterances, like “mm-hmm” and “go on” show you’re paying attention and encourage them to continue talking.
- Reflect. Paraphrase what you’ve heard, “So the meeting felt unfair because….” Reflection isn’t parroting, it’s distilling meaning in your own words.
- Name feelings and include a checking question. Try, “It sounds like you’re frustrated and let down, does that fit?” You’re showing them you are trying to understand what they’re going through. If you’re off, they’ll correct you.
- Ask open questions. “What’s the hardest part?” or “What would feel supportive right now?” Avoid “why” questions early on. They can sound judgmental or accusing.
- Tolerate pauses. Silence gives people time to sort through their thoughts and emotions. Resist the urge to fill it with advice.
- Clarify and summarize. Before shifting topics, wrap up with: “Let me check if I got this…” This reduces misunderstandings and shows you care.
- Hold back the fix. If you do have ideas or solutions, ask permission to share them first, “Want thoughts or just a listener?”
Why Active Listening Strengthens Relationships
High-quality listening reliably improves how speakers feel and how well conversations go. When we reflect content and emotion, people experience lower defensiveness and greater willingness to explore their own views. Research has shown that being listened to with empathy and non-judgment increases speakers’ ability to notice mixed feelings and reduces extreme attitudes. These features can cool conflict and help couples and friends meet in the middle rather than dig in their heels. Over time, being heard builds trust, safety, and intimacy, the felt sense that “you get me,” even when you don’t fully agree.
Benefits To the Listener
Active listening isn’t just altruistic. Research shows it helps the listener, too.
- Clearer influence, less friction. When speakers feel heard, they become less anxious and more self-aware. That clarity makes future problem-solving and boundary-setting easier, which ultimately benefits the listener.
- Better conversations next time. People are more willing to share openly with good listeners, which means fewer surprises and less guesswork in your relationships.
- Personal growth. Tolerating another’s emotion without fixing builds your own patience and emotional range. Studies show that high-quality listening helps speakers accept ambivalence. Practicing it strengthens your capacity to sit with complexity, too.
Practice: 5-minute Active Listening Exercise
- Pick a low-stakes moment (after dinner, on a walk).
- One person shares for two minutes, the other only reflects and asks open questions.
- Swap.
- End with a one-sentence summary of what you each heard and one concrete way you can support each other this week.
It’s O.K to fumble a little as you learn this skill. It takes practice, and the goal isn’t perfect technique anyway. It’s creating a dependable experience of feeling heard. A few minutes of genuine listening can transform tense evenings into collaborative ones and turn everyday check-ins into the glue that keeps your closest relationships resilient.
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Active Listening Checklist (to print and post as a helpful reminder)
- Did I put distractions away (phone, TV, laptop)?
- Am I showing I’m present (eye contact, nodding, small verbal encouragers)?
- Did I reflect back in my own words what I heard?
- Have I named the feelings I think I hear?
- Did I ask open questions instead of yes/no ones?
- Am I comfortable with pauses instead of rushing to fill silence?
- Did I summarize and check that I understood correctly?
- Have I asked: “Do you want ideas or just a listener right now?”
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To learn more relationship building skills or to speak with a professional counselor about any mental health concerns, please contact Olive Branch Counseling Associates, Inc. at 708-633-8000. We are located at 6819 167th St. in Tinley Park, IL 60477, offering in-person and telehealth appointments. We are here to be of service to you.
Molly V.
Graduate Intern, 2025
Olive Branch Counseling Associates, Inc.
References:
Itzchakov, G., DeMarree, K. G., Kluger, A. N., & Turjeman-Levi, Y. (2018). The listener sets the tone: High-quality listening increases attitude clarity and behavior-intention consequences. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 44(5), 762–778. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167217747874
Itzchakov, G., Kluger, A. N., & Castro, D. R. (2017). I am aware of my inconsistencies but can tolerate them: The effect of high quality listening on speakers’ attitude ambivalence. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 43(1), 105–120. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167216675339
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