Raising Independent Children

In his book The Anxious Generation, Jonathan Haidt compares modern-day parenting to carpentry and parents to carpenters. He explains that, like a carpenter envisions the finished result of their project, parents have a clear idea of what they are trying to mold their kid into. Parents have character traits personalities in mind that they want their child to have, hobbies they want them to enjoy, and ways that they want them to interact with the world planned out. Haidt argues that parenting this way is no way to prepare a child to one day be independent in the real world.

            Instead, he offers a different metaphor for parents to consider. Parenting can be like gardening. Instead of forming your child into what you want them to be, you create a protected and nurturing space for them to flourish on their own, like a garden does for flowers or produce. Gardening is full of unpredictability and delightful surprises. This metaphor urges parents to embrace the messiness and unpredictability of raising children. Haidt includes this quote, “Our job is not to shape our children’s minds; it’s to let those minds explore all the possibilities that the world allows” (pg. 268). Parenting is the most rewarding when you see your child grow into their own person with their own opinions, personality, and ways of living life. Parenting is not attempting to build and mold your child into the perfect product, it is creating a space for your child to grow and bloom into an independent individual.

            Embracing this idea may be very difficult for a few parents because in order to do this, you need to let go of some restraints. You need to make time for your child to do things on their own, solve their own problems, and be knowingly unsupervised, even at elementary ages. When your child knows that you trust them to interact with the world and do things on their own, they will in turn trust themselves and grow in confidence and independence. 

            Now, there are many claims out there for how parenting should look. But in reality, parenting is hard, and it is hard to know you are doing it right. Jonathan Haidt’s appraoch is how to parent in a way that is going to end the disconnect and mental illness within our society and developing generations due to the rise in dependence and addiction on technology. If you wish to learn more about this approach and his theories, I strongly suggest his book The Anxious Generation.

            Feel free to reach out to us at Olive Branch Counseling Associates to have a conversation about your parenting style or possible parenting adjustments you want to make! Appointments can be booked by calling 708-633-8000. Our professional therapists offer a variety of services both in-person at our office located at 6819—167^th St. in Tinley Park, Illinois (60477) and via telehealth calls.

Myleigh, undergrad intern, 2025

Olive Branch Counseling Associates, Inc.

Reference:

Haidt, J. (2024). The anxious generation: How the great rewiring of childhood is causing an

            epidemic of mental illness. Penguin Random House.