Know Your Partner’s Love Language

In 1992 Gary Chapman first published his New York Times #1 bestselling book, The 5 Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. Chapman, a longtime marriage counselor, proposed that there are five basic ways, he calls emotional love languages, that people both express love and feel they are loved. Your primary love language is determined by your psychological makeup and how love was expressed to you growing up by your parents and other significant people in your life. The catch is that not everyone has the same love language. So, The Secret to Love that Lasts, the subtitle to one edition of Chapman’s book, is to learn to communicate your love to your partner in their love language, which may be different than your own. When you communicate your love in a way that makes sense to your partner, they will know they are loved and, as Chapman puts it, their “love tank” will be full.

The 5 Love Languages:

1. Words of Affirmation –verbally affirming your partner using complements or expressing appreciation. “You must be the best cook in the world. I love these potatoes!”; “You’re such a hard worker.”; “Yes. I understand that a concerned father would feel that way.”

2. Quality Time – giving someone your undivided, focused attention. Togetherness, quality conversation, doing something with your partner that they enjoy, and doing it wholeheartedly.

3. Receiving Gifts – giving material gifts, large or small, that act as visible symbols of love, or the gift of self, or the gift of presence.

4. Acts of Service – doing things you know your partner would like you to do, and doing them with a positive spirit. These may require thought, planning, time, effort, and energy.

5. Physical Touch – holding hands, kissing, embracing, cuddling, touching, massaging, sexual intercourse

At this point, you might be wondering how to find out what your partner’s love language is so you can learn to speak it. Chapman offers one easy way to find out. “My spouse’s criticisms about my behavior provide me with the clearest clue to her primary love language. People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need”. For example, if your partner often complains that you’re never grateful for the things they do for you, maybe they need to hear your words of affirmation in order to know you appreciate them.

To discover your own love language, Chapman suggests you ask yourself what your partner does or fails to do that really hurts you. You can also pay attention to what it is you’re always asking them for. Alternatively, examine the things that you do or say naturally to express love to your partner. These are probably the things that make you feel loved too.

Once you believe you’ve identified your own love language and have a good idea about what your partner’s is, discuss this with each other. Were you right about how you can communicate your love so that your partner feels it? Did your partner come up with some new ideas about how they can make you feel loved? Chapman mentions that finding your partner’s primary love language and learning to speak its precise dialect will probably take some time and some trial and error. He suggests you keep talking to each other to find out how you’re doing. When your partner is not feeling your love, ask them directly what you can do to help them feel it.

Dr. Chapman has also written several other love languages books: The Five Love Languages of Children, The Five Love Languages for Singles, The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace, and The Five Love Languages Military Edition. For more resources for learning about the love language theory including quizzes, workshops, and live events, check out his website at https://5lovelanguages.com//.

To speak with a professional counselor about relationships or any mental health concerns, please contact Olive Branch Counseling Associates, Inc. at 708-633-8000. We are located at 6819 167^th St. in Tinley Park, IL 60477, offering in-person and telehealth appointments. It is our pleasure to be of service to you.

Molly V.

Graduate Intern, 2025

Olive Branch Counseling Associates, Inc.

Reference:

Chapman, G. D. (2017). The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. Northfield Publishing.