How to Respond to Inappropriate Jokes and Comments

Have you ever been at a family party and a family member made an inappropriate joke? Maybe you have been out with a group of friends at a restaurant or bar and a friend made a comment that had racist, sexist, or homophobic undertones. Were you ever at an office meeting and a co-worker said something that was particularly off-color or ignorant? These situations can be extremely uncomfortable. You might find yourself confused as to how to respond. Do you laugh along and hope to move on to the next topic? You might find yourself triggered and motivated to confront them.

First, it is important to validate within yourself that anything that is said that is discriminatory is unacceptable. There may be various reasons behind this person’s joke or comment. Their words reveal that they are either intolerant of people that are different from them, are not aware of their own prejudices, or are purposefully trying to get a rise out of the people around them.

If someone is present that falls under the target of the joke or comment, the right thing to do is speak up. Your silence and failure to stand up for them can be even more hurtful than the joke or comment that was made. Your silence might say to others, “this is acceptable to me”. You do not have to call out the person that makes the comment as a sexist or a homophobe. You can simply say “I don’t think that joke was funny”, or “That comment seems inappropriate, I don’t think you mean it that way.”. The person that made the inappropriate joke or comment is unlikely to double-down on what they just said. It is highly unlikely they would respond with, “No, I am absolutely a chauvinist!”.

If you are close to the person that made the joke or comment, maybe this situation can serve as an opportunity to speak with them one on one. You may ask them, in a non-confrontational way, what that joke or comment really was all about. Did they have a recent experience that prompted the joke? Are they upset about their own recent shortcomings? Is this person frustrated about something else entirely? This person may need support or perspective. Putting others down is never healthy or appropriate!

If you would like to speak to a professional counselor or psychologist about healthy social interactions and behaviors or boundaries and reside in Illinois, please contact Olive Branch Counseling Associates, Inc. at 708-633-8000. We are located at 6819 West 167^th Street in Tinley Park, Illinois 60477.

Hillary R.,

Masters Level Intern, 2024

Sources –

Counter, R. (2023, November). How to get along with anyone. Reader’s Digest, 57–65.