Habit 5- Seek First to Understand, then to Be Understood

It’s human nature to think that we have the right answers, that our actions are clearly the best ones. But that’s just the thing: everyone thinks that way. Everyone thinks and acts based on the knowledge that they’ve collected through their lived experiences, and sometimes that doesn’t line up with the knowledge that someone else has collected. When this happens, disagreements form which are often frustrating. Each party is trying to get the other person to understand where they’re coming from but, oftentimes that just leads to further misunderstanding.

It’s all well and good to try to put yourself in another person’s shoes to try to help solve their problem, but sometimes what helped us won’t be the solution for another person because we all experience things slightly differently. Covey opened this chapter with an excellent metaphor for this. Imagine you’re at the eye doctor and that this eye doctor also wears glasses. In this case, you both have the same problem: your eyes need glasses to see properly. Now, imagine that this doctor sees that and immediately gives you their glasses because they said that “they fixed my eyes!” Odds are, this wouldn’t be the right prescription for you. Just because two people experience the same general problem, doesn’t mean the exact solution will be the same. Before prescribing a solution, the problem needs to be fully understood.

In a disagreement between multiple parties, someone has to be understood first, and demanding that the other person understand you first often doesn’t work. Oftentimes we have to give grace before we receive it. Covey argues that when you truly try to understand someone first, and give them the space to explain themselves, then they become more willing to allow you to have that same space and understanding.

That word before “try” in the previous paragraph is vital: truly. This book is full of helpful tips to become more effective and move relationships forward, but they can’t be taken as tricks, especially this one. You have to really want to understand the person because if they sense that you’re just letting them talk so you can have your turn, that’s not going to go over so well. They’re going to feel manipulated and, in truth, they have the right to feel that way. There are some things that you can fake until you make it; this is not one of them.

When we understand others first, even if they don’t give us the same space in return, at the very least we become more empathetic. I find that when I understand someone, even if we don’t reach a complete solution, I’m more at peace with the problem. Understanding someone is not part of an exchange, but can certainly aid in problem-solving and is a crucial part of personal growth.

References

Covey, Stephen R. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change. Simon & Schuster, 2020.

Lucy M.

Undergraduate Intern 2023

If you could use additional help dealing with stress or anxiety and live in Illinois, please contact Olive Branch Counseling Associates at 708-633-8000 to schedule an appointment with a counselor.  In person and telehealth appointments are offered.