Have you heard people say, “you act just like your mother/father?” I have heard this many times growing up, because yes, I indeed do act like my mother. However, people deduce this as parents are often role models for their children on top of being the people they interact with the most. A lot of the time we worry too much just like our parents, or we tend to lash out with specific triggers like our parents might. There are also occasions where parents tend to carry unresolved guilt from their past that is affecting their present relationships such as in the family setting. For this reason, I wanted to share different signs that you might currently be living as a result of the guilt your parents have felt. On the other hand, if you are the parent reading this, these signs can be a warning sign for you to acknowledge the pain and past and allow healing from this day forward.
3 Signs That Lead to Being Raised by Parents with Unresolved Guilt:
Intense Emotional Outbursts. Growing up there might have been occasions where you were proud of something you accomplished or were sad of something else not working out but was never emotionally validated. When growing up in this environment, it often stems from parents not knowing how to resolve conflict themselves. For people battling something similar, their expression is often not correlated with the scenario and are triggered by the little things. For this reason, as a child, you have felt like you were walking on eggshells around your parents because you didn’t know how they would react.
Avoiding Conflict. When you are raised in an environment with parents feeling guilt or shame from an incident in their past, children often grow up without much attention given to them. For reasons as such, children avoid conflict by attempting to feel loved and accepted. Additionally, since at home there is often fear, anxiety, yelling, or lack of communication, you seek to make others happy, and many times become a people-pleaser. On top of this, it can lead to avoidance of social interactions or anything that may lead to a disagreement or conflict causing the individual to remain in isolation.
Gaslighting. Parents being the authority figure, it gives room for manipulative behavior and questionable mental state. For many, this can look in the form of saying things such as “ I would never say that” or “How could you think of me like that?” attempting to make you feel invalidated so they can feel accepted and unashamed; it becomes a safe escape or coping mechanism for the parent although detrimental for the child.
After mentioning some of the many signs that facilitate you to identify whether you have been growing up with parents carrying unresolved guilt, my hope is for you to gain more clarity on the issue and speak to someone about it. Now, if you are the parent, my hope is that you may be vulnerable and realize the harm it is causing not only on yourself, but your future generations. It is never too late to change and be the people we were meant to be. Strive to identify the areas in your life that have steered you towards unhealthy behavior and seek how they can be transformed to healthy ones.
Written by : Rachel Garcia; Masters Level Intern at Olive Branch
If you need support, live in the Chicago area, and would like to speak to a professional counselor, please contact Olive Branch Counseling Associates, Inc. at 708-633-8000. We are located at 6819 West 167th Street in Tinley Park, Illinois 60477.
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